People use me to write their stories and then they close the book as soon as the chapter is over. This time I'm going to use them in my little stories; make them a part of something that didn't last. In the end I'm going to be glad because I didn't put a punctuation at the end of it. There are days when I feel beautiful because that’s how he has made me feel and I often wish that I could see myself through his eyes to find out for myself if it's true, if I was more than the loveless, lifeless, inhumane soul that walked around bent over with the lint of the past weighing down the pockets of my worn out jeans with these daydreams that I gave away to yesterday because the little fancy stories we tell each other of tomorrow are worth so much more than anywhere my mind has taken me before, limitations that he broke down with his smiles and the way he believes I’m more than I was then and perhaps now I am exactly what he thinks I am because there is so much about me that I overlooked, so much that he made me realize, everything that I once forgot, that I was meant to shine. I see all that love people send to me on social networking sites these days, that one hate mail doesn't suffice enough to spoil my day. I have realized that when you are up to something you will always have followers along with haters, but that's alright. Eminem once said that if you have enemies, that means you stood up for something. You will find a way out of all the mess, all the hate and self destruction. I'm exactly where I deserve to be, and exactly what i need to be- happy. But, life wasn't the same before. A pebble needs to pass through rough waters to be polished, but for me it was high tides and waterfalls. Consider yourself lucky to have been a part of my life, someday.
Wednesday, September 26
Sunday, September 23
There are a hundred messages and mails, unsent, in my drafts folder. They are the ones i write to you but I won't, ever send them to you. You do not deserve to read them. You do not belong anywhere in my memories. Remember all those days you thought I will never get over you? Well, you were wrong. You have been replaced, you have been erased. You never existed. I think about you, only when I realize how easy you've made my life by walking out of it. Just saying, they are no 'I still miss yous' in the drafts, its just "Oh I am so happy I decided to cut you off my flesh and throw you away. I am glad you aren't a part of my life anymore." I have to thank you for letting me know what I was worth. It definitely wasn't you. I am tough, but I am worth it. Someone knows that. I won't sing songs like Somebody I used to know. This is a big happy thank- you- note for you. Hope you have a wonderful life ahead.
Monday, September 17
On the first day at office, I made a statement in the Biz skill session, "I believe in giving chances, I just don't believe everyone deserves them." Today we had an anonymous QnA session where someone asked me of whether such a statement on the first day is a sign of hostility or unfriendly vibes. The question was too long for me to remember specifically.
People who know me as a person know very well that I'm a compassionate and forgiving person. The upcoming sentences would be a series of Is and Mes. I'm learning how to avoid using them. What I meant by chances is specifically the ones we give to people when they wrong us intentionally or unintentionally. (it wasn't about first chances) I give them to everyone, yes everyone. You've got to communicate to reach out to anyone, that includes me. Take chances, I do not bite or scare people away. I am NOT hostile or out of reach. As a matter of fact I love to interact with people of different mindset and age groups. Faces are always intriguing.
Yes, I don't believe everyone deserves chances. Trusting people is your decision, proving you right or wrong is theirs. I've been a lot on the negative receiving side of these trust games, still I don't have trust issues like others. I've just learnt to draw a line, I have learnt where to stop. People only hurt you when you give them a chance to do so. If someone hurts you again and again, claiming that they love( again, please love is very general, its not romantic love specifically) you. Stop it, give up. You don't need to be strong and hold on. Better things and better people will find a way to you only if you let go of the good.
P.S. Dear stranger, I am sure you won't waste a hundred chances of your life with one such a person either.
Sunday, September 16
Its been a while I posted something here. Office has kept me off the blog from a while. The only person I am still trying to understand and know more is me. Its really intriguing how soon your mind set changes. There are so many reasons which could trigger them, people, place or just time. For a while I thought I was sorted and that I knew what I wanted. Finally. But lately, I see the same me that I was two years down the memory lane. Confused, insecure and aimless. Maybe I wanted that for a change. From the last two days I've been thinking a lot. The change in place has changed my mindset to an extent, that I simply cannot turn away and walk it off.
My mind is confused between what I expect out of my work and how I work it out. Isn't this a decision we need to make almost at every step of life? I'm standing on a crossroad waiting for a magical sign to appear and tell me which way to lead. My mind is shifting every moment, in fact its only moving in a direction away from what I had set it to know and believe in. There is only thing I have realized lately, you gotta love things you do and do moreover do things you love if you want consistency. You have to find time for things you like to do. I'm going to do that. So, should you.
Thursday, September 6
“I knew I belonged to the public and to the world, not because I was talented or even beautiful, but because I had never belonged to anything or anyone else."
Monday, September 3
They told me
that those moments
were never ours
caught in between
a few memories
group of people
But at 2:43 am,
I didn't seem
I didn't seem
to have known
that part of you
bit of me
in a moment.
To take away
every single escape
To take away
every single escape
Sunday, September 2
I kept pieces of you in open documents, half completed phrases and words lost on feelings inked on torn pages of an unending journal, of the things that were to be and the life I longed to have, thinking of the little happy memories we were going to make, when I tried not to give too much of my thoughts away, hiding in crumpled up scraps of paper pushed in the back pocket of my favorite jeans to weigh down my footsteps made lighter since I handed them to you, face hiding behind little hands as you smiled and moved them away to reveal my face lit up with the summer sunshine and eyes sparking with love in my heart telling me how you will make it all work out, telling me how you will make me stay.
Saturday, September 1
- Take a break from the internet. Log out from the social networking sites and go meet new people.
- Visit a pet shop. These cute little animals are a sure shot in getting all the stress off your head.
- Become a kid again. Jump on your bed and indulge in pillow fights.
- Buy a bubble blower and blow big bubbles. You can make some on your own using soap or shampoo.
- Go get yourself a spa. Nothing is more relaxing than a hair or body spa.
- Write. Bleed on a typewriter, or scribble with a pencil. Just write.