Wednesday, October 24

Day 83: Morning Debate With Sleep.

Me: Fuck. What the hell is that sound?

Sleep: It is your favorite song. The same song you dance to every Friday at the club. Sounds pretty irritating right now, isn't it? Shut the goddamn alarm and throw the phone away.

Me: No, I have to wake up. I turned it on last night. I don't know why I turned it on though.

Sleep: Wake up? No. Why wake up when you can still drift to your dreams and follow Mr. Bunny to wonderland. There you can sit and have tea with Mr. cat and roam ad-mist big flower gardens and float in chocolate rivers reaching Mr. Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. There you can eat different flavored gummy balls and take a ride on Nimbus 2000 to Hogwarts.

Me: That sounds great, but I really do have to wake up.

Sleep: Excuse me, I'm trying to help you. What could possibly be more important than a date with Mr. Potter at the Whimping Willows?

Me: It is Monday. Have to get to the office.

Sleep: It can’t be as important as the magical wonderland of sleep. Listen, you need to find the magic box in the chamber of secrets. There is something for you in there. You have to complete the mission to win the game. You get choco frogs for every level you complete.

Me: But. But, the box isn’t real.

Sleep: If you don’t go back to sleep, you’ll be cranky and homicidal. You'll turn into a moody psycho. You’ll probably murder someone you love in a fit of sleepy rage. You will sleep in the sessions and gulp infinite cups of coffee. You will lit a cigarette at the break and throw the burning match stick on to the passers. Later, you shall come home and curse yourself for not sleeping enough. That is what sleepless people do, they get crazy !

Me: Oh, Sleep, you’re SO tempting.

Sleep: Your soul is mine!

Me: uhmmm. come here.

Sleep: Hey, there is someone knocking at your door. Probably your flatmate trying to wake you up. Is it considered social to wake up someone from their peaceful dreams and ask them to get on with the daily hustle bustle. What kind of a friend does that?

Me: You’re right, but I’ll have to see them eventually. Let me just open the door.

Sleep: Wait! Just listen to the tip tip of the rain drops on the window pane, that faint sound of your favorite chill playlist on the desktop. Could you dare to over power the magic of lullabies and the sound of distant honking horns of vehicles gushing past each other, ten floors below you? Imagine tripping on the distant crack of thunder, the sound of the air conditioner and the sound of you lost in blissful sleep — like a big fat cat squeezed in between blankets and pillows purring it way to glory.

Me: Ah, I wish. You always seduce me.

Sleep: Think of the articles you read on the internet about healthy sleep habits. People your age need 9-10 hours of quality sleep each night. You need almost as much sleep as a little baby. But the overpowering burden of society will always try to crumple the facts, and condition you to be mechanical, until one day your body is no more than bones and husk.

Me: Oh, I have a meeting with my tech lead today. I'm supposed to see him in an hour and half. I need to wake up and shower.

Sleep: Why not sleep for ten more minutes, shower in five minutes, and then you’ll still have a lot of time to take a cab to office.

Me: Oh, I know this one. Sleep, you can't fool me this time. You would lure me to take those ten minutes, and then BANG! I'd wake up by afternoon.

Sleep: But still, you want that ten minutes. You can’t help yourself. I've trapped your sub conscious mind in my we of deception. You know that if you sleep ten more minutes, you’ll only wake up sleepier; that you should get up, that you have the will to get up somewhere in your mind. But it’s a futile attempt, as my might over your brain is stronger than you.

Me: Nooooooooooooo, I have.. have to wake up.

Sleep: Give in, sleepyhead.

Me: .....No..I....won't...sleep...

Sleep: One sheep. Two sheep. Three sheep. Four.

Me: Owwwwhhh, well....

Sometime later, that day.

Me: Wait, did I fall asleep for a second? How much time passed?

Sleep: It is 11:45 am. You slept for 13 hours !

Me: No fucking way.

Checks phone.

Me: WTF! 23 missed calls. 6 missed calls from tech lead and 9 from le crush at office.

Sleep: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! My work here is done, have a good day, loser!

Me: Let me apply for the leave. I'm so screwed. You're so mean, sleep. I swear I'll wake up at time tomorrow.

Sunday, October 21

Day 80: It's Okay To Cry.

“I have been crying," she replied, simply, "and it has done me good. It helps a woman you know, just as swearing helps a man.” 
― Horace Annesley Vachell, The Romance of Judge Ketchum

Don't ask me to stop when I am crying, just hold me for I might need it. You have no right to tell me how to feel. People often ask me to help them to be strong, to help them to hold on to their pieces. Anyone can try and survive for one more day, we need to live and to look up to the next morning. People have these strange inhibitions like crying is a sign of the weak. I would say, "That is bullshit."

Tears are okay. They are a part of you which you need to let go. When a lot of pain has accumulated within you, it needs to be flushed out. The kidney filters out all the nitrogen from your bloodstream which is our daily intake along with oxygen. If you remember the percentage of nitrogen in air is about 70. So is the ratio of pain and happiness around you. It okay to let your body filter out what isn't needed. There is no point in holding back all the hurt, all the grudges within you. It will just harm you.

Let go. Cry. It helps. Well, it always helps me. I let go, when I've been strong for too long. I am not ashamed. If a girl cries, she isn't doing drama, it just helps her as it helps men when they swear. It can't get worse, it will only get better. There is a certain darkness needed to see the stars.

Tuesday, October 16

Day 78: He Writes, Let Me Have This.

I wake up in the morning right next to you, your face being the first thing I see. You’re asleep, with your eyes firmly shut, lost in peaceful dreams. For a minute I just look at you. I start from your sleep ruffled mane careless sweeping across your face. My attention shifts down to your forehead, your chubby cheeks, your ears. Your adorable ears. I reach out to you and remove the silky tresses away from your face.

I look down to your nose. Your cute little nose. The curve above your lip, down to your top lip. The birthmark just above it, where I kiss every time I possibly could. Your lower lip. Your chin. Your jawline. I love all of i. I want to remember everything. Let me be like this, I am absorbing you.

Just let me have this. Let me have this moment. Let me have you.

A thin streak of sunlight makes it way into the bedroom through the little spaces between the curtains. The sun is soft yellow and filtered by gray. I can hear a light breeze, a distant alarm clock, a ruffle as you try to snuggle into my chest, trying to fit into the space left between us. I can hear a few more sounds outside, birds chirping, people on the streets talking, the cycle bell of the morning newspaper boy, the sound of local vendors selling tea and food. The day has started, and the world has started to turn.

This is my favorite moment. I mean, I absolutely love when we’re awake together, obviously. I love when we take walks and go to parties. I love when you talk aimlessly about absolute anythings. I love when we go to movies and have food together, I love everything about being awake together. But this, right now, when we’re cuddled together, under the warm covers, me half-asleep and you unaware and unconscious  is the time I love most.

Who knows what will happen when you wake up? When you wake up, anything could happen. Or nothing could happen. I could lose you. Or we could fall more in love. But it’s a risk. It’s always a risk. I don't expect anything from you right now. The next moment could change what we have, forever. And now, in this little moment right here, before we wake up, before our day begins, it’s quiet. It’s simple. It’s nice.

Just let me have this.

Let me savor the dripping magic of your peaceful face. Let me listen to your heart beating right next to mine. Let me keep listening to your breathing. Let me feel your warmth oozing out from your milky skin. Let me have you. Let me have this.

This is all I think about waking up next to you. Let me have this.
Just let me have this.

P.S. I wanted to write something from a guy's perspective. I would have loved if someone wrote this for me.

Monday, October 15

Day 77: Dear World: Fuck Off.

Dear world,

Stop questioning me because I choose to have my own beliefs. You are religious. Fine. You have issues with homosexual people. Fine. You don't wear short clothes, because you aren't comfortable in your own skin. Fine. Don't expect me to do the same. Stop whispering when I walk into a room. I DON'T like attention, nor do I like "the limelight". I have enough of shine in me to make someone's day bright. Stop asking me to quit smoking, i have my reasons. If my one picture with cigarette induces an urge in you to smoke, will my hundred pictures without no cigarettes make you quit smoking? Stop telling me what to wear and what not to. I am in love with my body and I love the skin in live in. Stop judging me if I have more male friends, or if I am good to someone of the opposite sex. It only means, I admire that person and I share a good connection with him. Stop calling me easy, just because I go out with people. People in my life certainly don't have a problem with that, and you aren't certainly one of the either. Stop making faces when I am open about issues like prostitution, gay marriages, pornography and sexual assaults. These are some major issues concerning the youth today. Admit it, you have all of them at the back of your mind too. Stop calling me a bitch because I speak what I have in my mind. Don't hate what you don't understand. Stop telling me I always remain secluded from the crowd. It is by choice not chance, I don't even like most of you. Stop judging me, when you hardly ever tried to get over the opinions you have had of me.

Guess what, I don't even know you exist.
Thank you.

Fuck Off.

Tuesday, October 9

Day 71: People always, leave.

Sometimes, you wonder why people come into your life, if they have to walk out of it after all. They make you feel, they make you fall, they give you memories just so that every bit of it could be crumpled and thrown away in rusted dustbins laying unattended outside the apartments built over the decades, where the cracked walls and peeled off paint are louder than the horns of the vehicles under broken street lights. 

If only goodbyes meant for today and the faking smiles were real, she wouldn't have walked away with closed eyes and her lips sealed. Soon it will be cold enough to build fires in the house made of red bricks, where she decided to plant her little dreams in a glass mug filled with mud and pebbles, topped with a pocket full of sunshine.

Three hours and thirteen minutes isn't enough to know someone, but getting to know someone is too overrated when all they want to do is hear about all the people who belonged in the past ignorant about the chance they have been given today to make it to someone's tomorrow. Sometimes Everytime, you have to accept it, pick yourself up and move the fuck ahead. You get connected, you give then a chances, you give them love, you give them your everything. 

No matter what you do, people always leave.

The three paragraphs above,
have no connection whatsoever
yet are strongly connected by strings
of feelings
attached to every memory
of someone
who came like a cold gust of wind
and destroyed
everything while they left.

Tuesday, October 2

Day 62: You Are More Than You Show

In life we meet so many people, but very few touch your soul in a way no one else could. It is just a moment and they actually seem to have an everlasting impact on your mind and moreover your thoughts. You never seem to have ever liked someone in a way you like them. It isn't easy telling someone you love them, because people expect a lot more from you. People are afraid to show their true selves, they are afraid to open up themselves before others because they don't want to get hurt. The past buried deep in the pits filled with grass and autumn leaves is their reason of not accepting that today can be better. They cover their faces with masks of ignorance and pretend to be immovable. Don't hide your true self in the heaps of silence that surround you. Don't you dare think you are not good enough. Don't be afraid to be in love. Feel whatever you want to. Stop restricting your mind from flying away to fields of unknown happiness. Be crazy, take a chance. You just want them to know you as 'what' you show. I know you are more than this.

Something no one has ever told you, you are so much more than what you show.